Boundaries can feel contradictory to spiritual values such as compassion and love. How do we create space for both?

Carmin could feel it in her body. Her chest felt tight and she was exhausted. The hours of working overdrive were starting to catch up to her — finishing residency and starting a new job, hours of constant emails, and numerous evenings meetings. She felt like a shell of herself. Something had to give. 

Carmin is a Pediatrician who takes care of children who are hospitalized. As one of the co-founders of the LEAD program (Leadership Education in Advancing Diversity), she sought to pioneer a way for physicians to advance diversity efforts in their own subspecialities. 

In the early days of the LEAD program, Carmin did her best to be as available as possible. She took meetings and answered emails whenever people needed her. 

“In creating something new, I wanted to be available. I had no limit to how much access people had to me,” she reflects. What she didn’t anticipate was the physical and emotional toll it would take on her. It was only when she found herself exhausted, burnt out, and wanting to take a step back, she realized something needed to change. 

Carmin, like many others, struggled with setting boundaries.

According to Berkeley University Health Services, boundaries are “the limits and rules we set for ourselves in relationships.”

When someone has healthy boundaries, they have the ability to say “no” when they need to but also are comfortable opening themselves up to intimate and close relationships. 

Setting boundaries can be difficult due to religious and cultural contexts. Growing up in an African American Baptist Christian household, Carmin didn’t see concrete examples of establishing boundaries. 

“In the African American community, you are there for everything your family needs, giving endless time and resources. Idea of limiting is not there.” she shares. 

This messaging echoed even stronger in her healthcare career. Everyone around her seemed to be working all the time. It was only when she reached her breaking point that she realized that she needed boundaries to stay in this work long term. 

“Boundaries are really a way of allowing yourself and other people to connect in healthier and more sustainable ways.” 

Mental health experts across the country are very familiar with cases like Carmin’s. Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor Erin Carnahan shares how it can be tough to help clients understand exactly what boundaries are. “I think so many of us have misconceptions about what boundaries are and have this idea that they are selfish or mean. So I usually have to jump in with that before going into [what boundaries are]. Boundaries are really a way of allowing yourself and other people to connect in healthier and more sustainable ways.” 

For clients who come from deeply religious backgrounds, she often hears them worry boundaries are “selfish” or that they are not “being gracious enough or forgiving enough.”  

“In those situations,” she shares, “I first hold space for whatever is coming up – for the shame, for the anger, for the pushback. And encourage a sense of curiosity to ask –is there another part of me that might believe something else?”

It’s not surprising that Erin hears this concern from many clients. Many spiritual communities don’t readily incorporate the language of boundaries.

For Swetha Gogineni, an Intensive Care Unit Physician, boundaries weren’t modeled growing up in her Hindu, South Indian family. However, in her fast paced, high acuity job in the ICU, navigating limited emotional bandwidth and physical resources is an inevitable reality. 

“I’m constantly finding a way to make sure that you can help that one person, but also that in doing so, it doesn’t harm other people,” Swetha shares. She does wonder when she engages in boundary setting, if she is in violation of the concept of karma in Hinduism (when actions in this life can affect our future ones). 

Feeling emotionally complex feelings, such as shame or guilt or fear of not being “good” can be normal when setting boundaries. Erin encourages her clients to observe what comes up from them, in a non-judgemental way,  and to remind themselves that even if it’s hard, setting boundaries can prevent us from building resentment in our relationships. 

Carmin continues to navigate emotional challenges and occasional pushback from family; She has actively incorporated compassionate boundaries in her life. “As I tap more into how I’m feeling, I recognize how I feel in different scenarios which lets me know when to step back from things. She’s dedicated time to rest during the week and has been paying close attention to how something feels and says she uses her heart and body as a compass in life. 

“As I tap more into how I’m feeling, I recognize how I feel in different scenarios which lets me know when to step back from things. I use my heart and body as a compass in life.”